Follow these rules and you just may survive here.

• Walk fast. Never stop dead in your tracks on the sidewalk. You are fair game to get pushed if you do this.
• You’re “on the train”, not “on the subway.”
• You order plain or regular pizza. We do not call it “a cheese slice.” Unless you want Kraft.
• You must fold your pizza. Don’t do a balancing act with it resting flat on your hand. Never, never (!!!) eat it with a knife and fork!
• Domino’s, Pizza Hut, and (eugh) Papa John’s are not real pizza. They are an entirely different food group. We do not consume them unless there are no other pizza places in the vicinity.
• Never purchase anything from a convenient store, newsstand, or food place anywhere within a five street block and/or one avenue block’s distance from either Penn Station or Times Square. Unless you would like to be ripped off of an extra 3–5 dollars per item.
• Never buy a hot dog, or any food or drink within Central Park. Same reason.
• Root for the Patriots or the Red Sox at your own risk. Mets and Jets are acceptable.
• You are required to hate the MTA in order to live here. No matter how much cheaper it is than any other mode of transportation, it is always too expensive. It will go up a quarter a ride every 2 years but we will continue to pay it.